Right now....

This weekend was spent cleaning my disgusting house, spending some much needed QT with my hubbaroo, and trying to figure out how to "descale" my Keurig...

For months, I've said I was going to start some home projects.  As it turns out, my weeks are so exhausting that my weekends are spent taking the breather I need to gear up for the next week.  Maybe I'll eventually get used to going on no sleep, but my gut says probably not.  I'm definitely not complaining, but I guess I'll just have to get creative with how I prioritize my time. 

My girlfriend, Chrissy, is staying at our house Thursday night.  The idea of having guests throws me into tizzy of obsessive cleaning and redecorating.  Chrissy is literally coming here after work on Thursday, spending the night, and waking up at the crack of dawn Friday to leave...she will have no time to notice the small very large imperfections in the guest bathroom paint job or lack of seating in the living room.  Still - everything must be perfect. 

I de-cluttered the guest room and got rid of the bookshelf covered with every single book I've ever read - I threw the books into the middle guest room, and my plan is to keep the door shut until it all magically disappears.  I'd seen these shelves used as bars in dining rooms, so I went that way instead of the way of the trash...the shelf is old old old and needs a new paint job, but I thought until I could make that my next project, I'd put it in the room and test it out....

behold:

Of course, we have no barware, so if this stays, I'll have to go out and actually purchase things to make it more of a "bar" and less of a random shelf in the dining room.  The new table and chairs are really quite big...and I guess the shelf off in the corner maybe throws off the symmetry as seen here...

 

Gah!  I swear the walls do not look like this in person.  Good grief.  Also, pardon the mess on the table... I'm going to have to have you all over to prove it because every photo looks like Disco Dining Room.

Although, I do have to say that the shelf is a great size for the space - the table and chairs AND a buffet really may be way too crowded.  My goal was to get a buffet, add some lamps on each side and have something not so bar-like in the room since neither myself or the hub are big liquor drinkers, but I'm not a huge fan of the buffet that matches the table.  I'm also not a huge fan of matchy-matchy...but if I wait for the perfect one, we could be like this for years... we'll see - I could go back and forth all day.  Not to mention, a new, dimmer capable chandelier is most needed. 

After I moved furniture and painstakingly cleaned every last corner of the house, I made the husband take me out for Mexican where I ate an entire plate of nachos by myself - in addition to the complementary chips and salsa, a margarita and more wine at home.  I guess I really felt the need to reward myself.  This is why I have yet to see the results from the four to five days a week at the gym...I eat that many calories over the weekend.  Gross.

Today I tackled the "de-scaling" of my Keurig.  I've had this thing for three years and I've never cleaned it.  I know...not only terrible but amazingly disgusting.  I noticed that my coffee tastes terrible, so I figured a good clean could help. 

This is what my Keurig looks like now...

uh....how are we not done yet?

I have to let it sit like this for four hours before I can run a fresh water brew cycle and hope that this week's coffee doesn't taste vinegar-y.  This is very complicated.  I'm sure they could make some money employing technicians who come out for a yearly tune up. Not only that, but I'm intrigued by this water filter brick they sell at Bed Bath and Beyond near the Keurigs.  I think this is as apart it will come, and I see no place for a water filter.  Somebody help me.

Until that works itself out, I'm just munching on this..(and blogging)

Cheddar-freakin-cheese popcorn.  Orville Redenbacher is a man after my own heart.  What did I say again about gross weekend calorie consumption??


Yay for tomorrow being my Tuesday!  I took Friday off so that Chrissy and I could ride out early for our weekend trip to Charleston.  Morgan will be joining us (and I think Leslie will also come out since we're invading her hometown), and our plan is to relax, wander around aimlessly, and drink wine.  It's a much needed and spontaneously planned trip for all of us.  More on that later...

hard to kick

how pretty is this pink glow?  image via

I'm snowed iced in.  ICED in.  There's a nice crispy layer of ice on top of the snow piled up in our yard.  Pretty?  Maybe for a little while - approximately one hour for me - but then it becomes annoying.

Right now?  Approximately 15 hours after I woke up this morning, the husband is wearing a ski hat, with his ears poked out like an elf, and he insists on making me watch every play of the National Championship...he's quite hyper (as am I for 11pm), and I'd just like to blog...in peace.  This is the result of us being cooped up inside our much too small house for the entire day....alone...together.

So, what have I done today?  Well, I worked for the bulk of it, but our office was closed so the workload was light.  I drooled all over Urban Outfitters new spring catalog that prompted me to go to their website and stock up on this spring's wants/needs.  Once I was finished shopping for more clothes I don't need, I moved to shopping for a new house we need (not really) but can't have....I shopped inside the perimeter (i.e. closer to the city) because after today, I need a house where some kind of entertainment is within walking distance.  Even though we are not house hunting, I know every single house in our price range and some out of our price range in the desired area of our hood that we'd like to move.  My justification is that I am just one of those who likes to know what's out there.  Once I was finished shopping for my new East Point or Decatur home (East Point has several winners - I was almost in tears at the adorableness), I shopped for the furniture the husband and I will definitely be purchasing as soon as I log off urbanoutfitters.com. 

Old habits die hard.  Hey, at least I don't pull the trigger on all these purchases...

I'm like the Airstream Song by Miranda Lambert - never satisfied....and that's annoying.  This is what an ice day will do to me.  I'm entirely too high strung to spend this many hours, feeling perfectly healthy, cooped up inside my house.  The better news?  Tomorrow will play out the same way, and there's an even dirtier rumor that this mess may not clear up until Saturday.

If that's the case, I'll be a force to be reckoned with.  I'm sure the husband will have taken his chances by then and escorted me out to the civilization known as the mall or at the very least, a Mexican dinner. 

I know some of you readers live up north, but you have to know we southern dwellers are not equipped for driving in ice or even handling such temperatures coming in contact with our skin.  Misery.

So, if you don't hear from me over the course of this week, you'll know someone has actually died of boredom.

is this thing on?

I've discussed the way me and the husband argue. 

We argue over things that are so infuriatingly stupid that I swear we get angrier than those who fight about things that actually matter because what we're fighting about is just so stupid.

I bought the husband a Big Green Egg for Christmas (cue Best Wife Ever cheer & applause).  He's so happy, he's glowing, and it truly makes my heart happy to make him so happy - giving is so much more fun than receiving - especially when you buy yourself little gifts while shopping for others. 

Little did I know that I was creating a bit of a monster....(actually, I take that back...anyone could see that he was becoming obsessed). 

I digress...

The husband is the cook at our house.  I always say he wasn't being properly fed by me, so he had to improvise.  He comes by it honestly - domesticity runs in his family.  Turns out, we're the perfect match because it doesn't run in mine.  So, I purchased him a cookbook called Southern Plate.  He picked it out when we were in Florida, and I stumbled across it at Sam's.  Since the arrival of the cookbook, we've been eating good.  He makes this fried chicken with "come back sauce."  The chicken is breaded in saltine crackers and fried like normal - they say the saltines make it less fatty (or maybe he just told me that).  Either way, he's created a monster in me by cooking that meal.  A Fried Chicken Monster.  I pretty much crave the chicken and the "come back sauce" weekly. 

I specifically bought a giant pack of chicken tenders for him to fry up.  Yesterday, while I was working from home, the craving hit like a ton of bricks.  It's cold outside - give me something fatty and yummy to eat for dinner.  My spare tire isn't quite big enough yet.  When he came home, we had this exchange...

me: 

I'm thawing this big pack of chicken tenders and thought maybe you could fry up that chicken and we can make some "come back sauce."

husband:

 [sleepily]  yaaaaaaaaaaa-unghhhh

The noise that came out of him while I suggested we have the fried chicken so closely resembled a "yes" that I thought we were clear on the fact that I. Want. Fried. Chicken. For. Dinner. Damnit.

So, I left him to rest.  I gave him strict instructions to call me if my work computer started making the incoming email noise often enough to require my return.  So, he calls me when I'm leaving Target.  All of my Christmas Spirit has been stolen by the shitty cart I'm pushing and the masses of slow ass people wandering through Target, clearly just beginning their Christmas shopping.  Phone conversation plays out as follows:

me:

 yup?

husband: 

you told me to call you if your computer started acting crazy.  Smoke was coming out of the sides, so I threw it in the bathtub to cool it off.

me: 

oh - very funny.  chuckle chuckle

(sneer - my chicken better be in the fryer)

husband: 

 so, what do you want for dinner?

me:

  oh, well, I was thinking we could make the fried chicken...unless you'd rather go grab something.

(the only thing that will make this okay is if he suggests Mexican)

husband: 

oh, well, I was thinking of cooking them on the egg.  I've already started marinating them.

me: 

oh?

husband: 

is that not okay?

me: 

um.....well, I mean......no, it's fine.

(okay, I'm secretly angry)

husband: 

okay, when will you be home? 

me: 

I don't know.  I'm out in this shit, and I still need to go to Kroger

I was seething from anger about the fact that he MARINATED the chicken tenders I purchased SPECIFICALLY for my favorite fried chicken.  If he didn't want to make the chicken, he should have made a noise that resembled more of a "no" than a "yes."  Not cool.

I drive to the grocery store - PISSED - so I send a BBM....

me: 

if you don't mind, don't cook all of the tenders.  I purchased it specifically for the fried chicken because it's delicious leftover

(in my mind - grilled chicken gets hard and gross the next day and THAT'S why I don't eat leftovers)

husband: 

 Well, I've already marinated all of it.  Apparently I've really effed up - you clearly wanted the fried chicken.

me: 

Well, yeah.  We agreed on it.

husband: 

when did we agree on it?  You said last week that you wished I wouldn't cook it so much because of the calories!

Here's where his "selective hearing" kicks in. 

First of all, when I said he needed to lay off cooking the fried chicken tenders, I was stuffing one in my mouth while simultaneously dipping the next one in "come back sauce."  Lay off cooking the chicken means "only cook the chicken when I request it."  Duh.  It also means "awww...sweetheart, you shouldn't have, but I'm so glad you did...nom nom nom nom nommmmm." 

Also, he AGREED that family time over preparing "come back sauce" sounded great...that's what "yaaaaaaaaaaa-unghhhh" means. 

So, we proceeded to send snippy BBMs back and forth until my Blackberry died - which pissed him off even more because, turns out, he thought I turned my phone off.

I came home to this grilled-ass chicken, and yeah, it was good.  I had it over a SALAD since I was so rudely reminded of my caloric intake. 

And we proceeded to not speak to each other for the majority of the evening.  I mean, things are good now.  It's Christmas Eve!  But seriously?  I think someone here learned a lesson yesterday...

WHEN THE CRANKY WOMAN SAYS SHE WANTS EFFING FRIED CHICKEN, YOU MAKE EFFING FRIED CHICKEN.  THE EGG WILL ALWAYS BE THERE, YOU MAY NOT AFTER THE WOMAN GOES BATSHIT CRAZY ON YOUR ASS. 

Merry Christmas.

women are normal...and men are definitely from mars...if not there, somewhere equally non-normal

i told myself long before i started kindredly that i wasn't going to write too much about my personal relationships...i think i was pretty good at sticking to it, but there are days like today when i just can't hold in.

this weekend was supposed to be relaxing.  i start my new job on monday (yay!) and other than last night's GNO (crazy - save for another post), my plans were to totally veg.  catch up on my sleep, clean the house, do a little shopping, etc.

the husband called me yesterday when i was in the car with my friend amanda.  one of his chemical reps from work offered him two tickets to the UGA/Auburn game for today.  he asked me if i'd like to go (such a dear), but knowing all the napping that still needed to be done, i declined.  he called several friends, but apparently, none of them are the fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants type because they all declined.  after exhausting several efforts, the husband tells me that he's just going to go to the game by himself....

what?

i feel like i need to say that i get the loner types - i am one.  i don't shy away from a lunch alone with a magazine or book...or a solo movie date...i'm down, but the husband will go camping alone...and now he'll apparently drive to auburn to go to a football game alone.  um...weird.

of course, i'm feeling kind of rejected - like, why are you going to waste your entire day doing all of that ALONE when you can keep your original plans with me to relax, work a little in the yard and go out for a mexican dinner date after the game is over?  (I will even be your DD!)

when i politely suggested he let his rep pass the tickets to two people who WANT to go TOGETHER, he got bitchy, so then i got bitchy...and now, we're bitchy.  when i thought he'd score himself a friend to take, i rescheduled lunch plans with my mom for today instead of sunday, so i offered to move them back to sunday if he decided to stay in town (you know, thinking that maybe he'd like to take some of the pressure off and actually relax with his wife).


this is what he says to me::

husband :  nah, you keep your plans with your mom

me : well, she's more than willing to reschedule for tomorrow, it's no big deal

husband :  well, when i get back from picking up the tickets, i'm going to come sit on the couch, and if i get a wild hair and decide i'd rather be in auburn, then i'm going to go...

me :  well, just go, damnit!

husband : no!  not after this conversation, i'm not going...

me : but you just said that you might get a wild hair and go...sounds to me like maybe you should just go ahead and go...OR are you just trying to get rid of me because while you watch the game you're going to be pissed you're not there?

husband :  yeah, i'll probably be pretty pissed off....

me : great.

the argument continued in circles for about 80% of my car ride back to the burbs from GNO...nothing getting accomplished except a bunch of smart ass remarks exchanged.  but SERIOUSLY - it's a f*cking lose/lose situation here...anyone else noticed this?

i. am. in. bizarro. world.  for serious, people.  what is happening here?

so, guess what's happening right now - right this second?  i'm sitting here, in my bedroom, surrounded by laundry to be folded, pissed. off., and now planning to have lunch with my mom.  when i complain about these things to her, she tends to help calm me down while at the same time rawling me up...it's crazy.  hopefully after lunch and a little retail therapy, i will go back to loving my husband again.  right now, in all truthfulness, i kind of want to hit him. 

i really don't appreciate being confronted with a lose/lose situation by the man who's supposed to love me like nobody's business.  i mean, way to set me up and make me realllllly angry in the process.

MEN.  i swear.  can't live with them; can't live without them.

mondays are for the random pt II

image via

• i hurt my back this past saturday loading a ginormous bag of dog food into the trunk of my car.  lord help, i'm dying right now.  how old am i again?
• i totally almost got into another bad car accident this saturday.  i was in a hurry, stopped for a fresco taco, and then totally slung my taco into the dash of my car swerving to miss a wannabe bentley that was so suddenly in my lane.  do you know how hard it is to get pico de gallo out of AC vents?  it was seriously a total miracle that we did not hit.  the swervage was promptly followed by a complete mental breakdown. 
• me and the boss lady determined my last day of work - i get two days of decompression before i start the new job.  i'm ready for those two days - totally checked out.
• the husband and i went to our friends house for a GA/FL party Saturday afternoon.  it was a mixture of people, some we knew and some we didn't.  yesterday when i spoke to my girlfriend about her party's success, she said that one of her friends didn't "get a read" on whether or not i liked her.  then she went on to mention that i come across as kind of bitchy if you don't know me.  while this isn't exactly new news, it's something i haven't heard about since college - and this time, the overall impression was totally unwarranted seeing as there wasn't really any opportunity for me and the friend to talk.  i guess i'm just worried about it because a) i'm going into a new job, and coming across as a bitch is kind of terrible and can't happen and b) if i come across as a bitch before i even extend my hand to meet you, shit, i'm in the wrong business.
• in addition to above bullet, i was kind of in a weird mood on saturday.  i felt rushed and strung out...so i guess that could have something to do with it...and lately when i get drunk, i have no filter.
• i purchased myself some new workout shoes this weekend.  ya'll, i haven't purchased a new pair of tennis shoes since college.  terrible.  now, let's just hope this new pair of shoes will motivate me to get in the gym this week!
• speaking of gyms, my new company pays toward their employees' gym memberships.  turns out, there's a swanky gym in my new building, and my new company was supposedly the main reason the gym moved in (hopefully this means they offer an employee rate) - anywhooo - they offer a 6:15 spin class every morning.  you know how i've been freaking out about making it to work on time?  i think i've discovered my answer.  the new gym will supposedly take care of everything for you, so all i have to do is roll out of bed and remember to bring work clothes. 
• which brings me to my next idea - should i buy special spinning shoes??
• oh oh oh!  how many times can i say 'totally' in one post.  geeeeeeez..............

somebody call PETA

sorry - i have nothing to blog about.  life is moving at warp speed right now, and every time i sit to write, i'm interrupted and lose my train of thought.

you guys can proof the letter i'm finally sending to the vent column in my local newspaper...

dear henry county,

i want to thank the local law enforcement for the complete display this morning while attending to a three car fender bender on the only road leading to the interstate.  trust i'm battling my inside "warm & fuzzies" knowing you would bring out the big guns for my stupidity in the form of three police cars, the biggest fire truck ever, an ambulance and giant orange cone castle.  however, today was the day that i was smart and didn't get into a fender bender.   nonetheless, i had to wait in the line of geriatrics and rubber neckers to make it by the display of lights from what had to be 1/3 of your on-duty staff of officers!  my question today is this, do you think you could spare one of your policemen to give me a blue light escort through the god-forsaken traffic that comes here to die?  i swear on everything that is holy, this traffic is going to make me kick a kitten.

for the love of god, build a bypass.

best,

ltj


p.s. this exact letter isn't going - but it sure feels good to let it out...

i can make it

• it might surprise you that even though today is my thursday, i'm managing to be in a less than stellar mood.  this was also the general attitude i had yesterday.  i'm 100% over it, and when i get like this, i'm one bad cold call away from a total hissy fit. 

• this morning my commute was a total debacle.  it's days like today when i should have the right to turn my car around and go back to bed and start over.  i wasn't even five miles from my house when i saw a school bus narrowly miss running over the honda in front of me.  children went flying.  i'm talking - FLYING.  my {imaginary} children will NEVER ride the bus.  this happens just after news of a school bus accident yesterday leaving a child dead.  i remember when i rode the bus (for like one year), there were no seatbelts...seriously?  put seatbelts in the bus!  i don't know for certain, but i bet that kid this morning went face first into the dash.  

• can school buses really not go in reverse?  husband, if you're reading this, you've succeeded in making me potentially look like a total idiot, but i love you anyway. :) 

• where is master p?  he didn't get pinched, did he?   "i got the hookup, holla if you hear me"

• my week is looking like i'll have candidates interviewing both days i'm out of the office.  i'm happy....i really am...but damnit, can't i just VACATION???  

• i'm excited about this...not the giveaway (because i never win anything), but the line.  bring on a satchel!  if any of you readers happen to be good at winning things, go "like" target on facebook, and enter to win! 

• it's cold in atlanta, ya'll.  i'm excited about a return to 80 degree temps this weekend and a little time out in the sun - then fall/winter can take over.  once we're home, i'm taking on the yard.  

• would any of my atlanta readers want to join some networking groups with me?  i have a slight insecurity about networking by myself, so anyone who isn't my competition, but would like to also make contacts, hit me up.  

this is all for now... my readers have skipped out on me - i've even lost a follower.  i didn't think that happened.  

superstitious

every. single. time. i say that things are going good at work, a deal falls through.

never again.

i have never considered myself a superstitious person until now. remember last time i was having a rough day, and i said "i think my candidate's gonna get the job"? well, she didn't. despite telling her she was "perfect for the position" they went with another choice and didn't even include my candidate in the top two! then yesterday, i blogged and said things were going good with work - i was referring to my client who is interviewing like crazy (which hasn't fallen apart - yet), and my candidate who rocked her interview so much so that my boss said "i think she's the ringer.".....they offered the job to the candidate who interviewed at 5 and blew the minds of everyone involved.

eff this noise.

i was venting to my co-worker this morning, and she responded with "it happens all the time. get used to it." well, i know it happens all the time, and i know you become heinous when it does - can we please let me wallow without your standard veteran remark of "welcome to recruiting!!!"

manicure please. going to get one at lunch.

well well well

i know ya'll are about sick of hearing me be all whiney pants up in here.

in all truthfulness, the week flew by. it feels like i just had a weekend with a few really stressful days thrown in. i'm welcoming this weekend and the unveiling of a new project (more on that later!).

because it's the weekend, the kidney stone has reappeared. i'm growing a little wary of the stupid kidney stone, and how it swoops in to mess everything up. the radiologist called the husband earlier this week and confirmed that the stone is more like a boulder, and the husband would need to be in touch to discuss how they are going to get rid of it. the husband got upset that his urologist hadn't called - he felt there was a disconnect in the communication, which could be true, but apparently, the husband has the film.

here's my thing - call the doctor.

call either of them, and let them know you're experiencing level 9 of 10 in pain. PLEASE.

so, last night, after he was bouncing around in bed like a fish out of water, he got up to take some medicine and spent the rest of the night on the couch. when he woke me up from my coma this morning, i asked him if he needed me to take him anywhere, and he said he was fine. when i suggested he call the doctor to let them know the situation (perhaps they can squeeze him in?) he got all pissy.

don't get pissy with me at 5:50 a.m. when i'm still face first in my pillow, trying to be helpful. just don't. he clearly doesn't understand the force it takes to muster words, much less phrases or suggestions before my feet even hit the floor. but i guess he can argue that i clearly don't understand how painful it is to birth a boulder.

whatever. i started out in the wrong mood today.

i need a big helping of mexican to make me feel better....a large margarita will also be fab.

happy friday, folks!

grrr.....

today didn't really go as planned. i attempted productivity but failed miserably.

at about 3pm, my throat started hurting. isn't it strange when that happens? like, one minute i'm feeling a little drowsy and suffering from a slight headache, and the next minute, i'm straight up allergy attacking. it's getting progressively worse, and for the life of me, i can't remember if mucinex d will keep me awake all night. i'm not willing to risk it.

i have a new client appointment tomorrow. i desperately need to get back on my sales bandwagon and get some new clients. i also need this to go well, so that i can make some more money. in other news, work is going great, and i'm challenged, which is fun. however, the most challenging part of my day lately is keeping focused. i need the beach trip to hurry up and get here.

i'm heading to bluffton, south carolina next weekend to visit my old co-worker and girl crush. i seriously cried when she left my company, and i don't cry. she mentioned something about a wine cruise. two words :: i'm there. we may take a day trip into savannah or hilton head or just hang out at her amazing place in palmetto bluff. can't. wait.

i had words with my endocrinologist today. he refused my synthroid (which i kind of have to take...daily) because i didn't have plans to come into the office. the nurse told me that i "haven't been coming" which is total shit because i came six months ago and was poked and prodded and nearly strangled because this doctor refuses to think i'm telling him the truth when i say i do not have my effing thyroid. i'm almost 29 years old - if it hasn't grown in 29 years, i'm pretty sure it won't be making an appearance. ijs. luckily, my boss comes from a family of doctors, so she's recommended a couple of endos closer to my office.

after i finally won and got my prescription filled, i found myself near my nail place. i treated myself to a mani/pedi, and while my pedicure is adorable, my manicure is total shit. it looks terrible, and the newbie technician spent all of 25 seconds painting them. did i ask for a refund? no. did i ask for her to redo them? no. i didn't do anything. i sat there with a pissed off look on my face and made a whole lot of noise as i left with still wet nails. i really need lessons on how to not be a doormat in these situations. i just hate the awkwardness of saying "um...no. redo this." because it's not like i'm going to get a new technician. the one who destroyed them to begin with will have to redo them, and she'll be pisssed about it. i'd rather just pay for the stupid manicure (along with perfectly acceptable tip, might i add) than deal with that uncomfortable situation. i'll learn one day. i think i just broke up with my nail salon.

friday, please? or at least an awesome thursday, and by that i mean my candidate totally rocks her interview and i totally rock my client appointment. that will make this whole randomly terrible week all worth it.

a good day to rant

i can't focus today. instead of knocking out all of the emails in my inbox, i'm perusing perez hilton and coco perez catching up on all the celebrity dirt.

celebrities are ridiculous.

i buy into their shenanigans just like the rest of the country, but i wish i didn't. most of them are stupid people who don't deserve the attention, and the rest of them are clawing at the walls trying to maintain a somewhat normal life - quite unsuccessfully.

reading perez catapults me into full-on rant writing.

• for starters, lady gaga

wtf?

what is wrong with her? this is just...disgusting. first of all, she's apparently relaxing a little after the monster ball. she's still teeny, but she's not dressing her fuller-teeniness in the most flattering way. ripped up fishnets and fishnet cropped shirts are not attractive...on anyone. and that is poor placement of hair extensions...or i guess a poor camouflage job. i'll be the first to tell you that i squealed and jumped up and down at the opportunity to see her on tour last december, but she's taken quite a fall from fabulous in my eyes. pull it together, girl.

• the whole kim kardashian/justin bieber friendship....is ridiculous (and maybe kind of creepy).

i love kim k. i really do. she's so pretty and seems nice enough, but the pairing up with justin bieber? i just don't get it. the get up was for elle magazine, and the article will be called the graduate. is he even one of those yet? doubt it.

• this isn't about celebrities, but it hit close to home...seriously - this is gross...

cockroach pendants. this could be the pony roach that once called my bathroom home. the idea of this makes me want to vomit for days.

while some of you may look at this and love it, i just don't. cockroaches are among the scariest creatures on earth. the girl in the photos can be found at this cute blog that you should definitely check out despite her slightly yucky love for bugs (somebody's gotta do it).

• fantasia's situation is the perfect example of "you can't fix stupid."

making a sex tape is never a good idea. for one, i'm pretty sure it's all very unsexy unless choreographed, and furthermore, when you're a celeb, it's gonna get out. period. when the guy says "hey baby, let's get this on tape" and you're fantasia, you say "nah babe - you married and i'm famous." she was never pegged as the smart one, so i guess all we can say is that we hope she can pull through her aspirin coma and move on. another lesson learned.

stay tuned!

careful, or you'll end up in my blog

the husband and i have our tiffs like any other couple. usually, i choose not to share them with the blogosphere because they are private, of course. however, sometimes i have to share (not only that - i refuse to take this one lying down).

remember early in your relationship when everything you say goes and the guy will do pretty much anything to make you happy? while all this is happening, the married people in your life say things like "don't get used to it" or "that won't last long" and you look at them like they're speaking in japanese or worse, you secretly get kind of mad at them?

well, for those of you in new, shiny relationships, they are right. i am now one of those jaded married ladies whose husband no longer thinks the sun shines out of my ass. it's little things like cutting the grass, or cleaning up after himself that i've learned to live with. frankly, he's always been messy, and i knew this. that particular bitch holds little weight. the grass cutting is a current bitch that i've just decided to give up on as he'll eventually get around to it (yes, i could do it too, but i severely injured our last lawn mower after i ran over a sizeable decorative rock. i'm a little gunshy). but today's argument threw me over the edge.

i love my husband. i love my husband. i love my husband. but sometimes - he's five.

so, today i learned that our friend's engagement party is semi-formal. i thought semi-formal dress for a guy would call for a sport coat, slacks and a button up. i pictured the husband in his wonderful linen pants from banana, white button up and his navy sport coat. so, i texted him, and the conversation went like this (the itlacized sections are the reactions in my head)::

me :: friend's party is semi-formal.

husband :: damn. what does that mean?

me :: i think you should wear your linen pants, navy sport coat, no tie.

husband :: i'm not wearing a coat. not in 99 degree heat, sorry friend.
of course you're not. time to be difficult.

me :: you may need to wear your suit

husband :: bullshit

me :: babe. just for a bit then you can ditch the jacket. i've got it! wear your pinstripe suit with your black button up from other friend's wedding, no tie. then ditch your jacket early in the evening!
easy peasy!

husband :: i won't go if i have to wear anything resembling a coat. it's supposed to be 99, and i already spend too much of my summer sweating.
last time i checked you got a degree, from an institution in your field. you went to school, paid thousands of dollars to know you'd be working in the heat. get over it.

me :: it's SEMI FORMAL. you can't not wear a jacket.

husband :: jackets are not meant to be worn in the summer. i can't do it.
what? i see men in suits all day every day in my building. suit jackets are meant for times when you're supposed to wear a suit, and this is one of those times!!!!!!!!!!!!

me :: well, can you at least carry it? this should not be an issue. this is etiquette.

husband :: shit. this is an issue if someone plans a semi formal party in the middle of summer. etiquette is me being comfortable. i'm sorry but there is no way i should have to wear a suit in this heat. the only way i'd wear a suit is for a funeral, and if i wear a suit, it might be my funeral.
btw, etiquette is not about keeping mr. husband comfortable. it's about how you should act in situations, and frankly, you're kind of being rude.

me :: wear what you want. i'll be semi formal

husband :: does this make you mad?
i'm annoyed because you're acting like a child. plain and simple.

me :: i think it's ridiculous, but i'm not picking this battle. so, i'm not mad

husband :: why is it ridiculous? do you not understand how hot it is? would you wear a coat?

me :: i wear a blazer everyday.
that is what i was thinking...

husband :: in the heat?

me :: the party is inside. wear your black suit pants with your black nicole miller button up.

husband :: black attracts heat!!!
fine. go naked. we'll walk in separately.

***end of text string***

seriously? black attracts heat? i remember five years ago, i dressed that boy. everything he wore, i pretty much bought. then something clicked with him, and he started insisting on wearing sweaters from the year 2000 (like that disgusting burnt orange with stripes. think american eagle outfitters circa your highschool boyfriend).

i. can't. take. it.

another example of how this summer has robbed me of the man i love. the refusal to wear a suit jacket from the parking lot to the building is an argument a mother might have with her teenager. i'm completely annoyed.

this is an example of how you'll end up in my blog - if i feel like i will never have a child of my own because i already have one at home...in the form of a six-foot-one man.

**update :: now i feel kind of bad because i just got a text from him that he overheated today. he's going home and going to bed. the argument was still redic - my opinion isn't going to change on that.

I now crown thee queen...chunk

that's right. chunk. remember when i said i was going to go on a diet called "stop eating so much"? well, i did, but it's apparently not working.

actually, i take that back because eating a small salad...drenched in green goddess dressing, no less...for lunch and mexican for dinner gets you nowhere but chunkier.

with our fridge being out (yes it's still out. the repairman came, but didn't have the part, which was confusing to me too. especially considering the issue was discovered on saturday and the repairman with the truck full of parts came yesterday because he's supposed to have the f*cking parts. but whatever. he didn't have it, so he rigged the fridge to work, but all of our food is at my grandmother's house keeping in her freezer.) the husband and i are eating out every night. sunday night we went to chilis and i ordered the margarita grilled chicken (i think that's the 500 calorie dish with the black beans, right?), but my stomach was eating a hole in my back because i hadn't eaten since my waffle that morning, so we also ordered chips and salsa and ate it like it was our last meal. last night we planned on having dinner out, but i was really thinking we could go somewhere where i could grab a salad, but everyone knows that salads at restaurants are like 1000 calories, so i caved when the husband said "let's just go grab mexican" because the mexican restaurant is the closest yummy establishment to our house. so we did, and instead of getting a taco or two, i got the f*cking chicken nachos drenched in queso (which there really wasn't enough queso if we're going to be picky - hello, chunk! - but i corked it because seriously? what is wrong with me?).

i begrudgingly took my ass (that is now eating the seat of the bike) to spin this morning. it was a real treat to watch my upper thigh jiggle as i sprinted for my life. stop the madness.

so, since the stupid refrigerator isn't fixed, i guess we'll be eating out again - and we have mexican dinner with friends on wednesday (this mexican restaurant is a small journey from our house, but their queso dip with crushed jalapenos is heaven on earth. i'll die chunky and happy before i ever pass on this particular queso. even the husband, who's violently lactose intolerant, can't say no.) i'm going to suggest to the husband that we just eat sandwiches. because seriously? and if he has a problem with that, he can go grab his own fried dinner because this is getting ridiculous. i clearly have zero self control when it comes to dinner outside of the house (sometimes even inside of the house - i told you my grandmother sent me home with a cake! balls!)

so until i pull it together, i'm going to proudly wear my crown. i love crowns. i hope this one's adorned with a golden donut. speaking of donuts.....

who gonna check me, boo?

i can't hide it. i'm totally heinous this week (except for tuesday - i was a big ball of sunshine on tuesday). overall, i've been in a really shitty mood, extremely sleepy, and just cranky all around.

this affects me in the following ways::

• the husband gets pissed off at me because being heinous about everything kind of includes being heinous to him.
  

• i don't do my job well. i pretty much stay really distracted and annoyed and unproductive. i don't have one of those jobs where you can jimmy jack all day long - i kind of have to be productive to make money. i also have to use my totally dead brain. giant fail.

• i get really aggressive and bitchy to strangers making me come across as a total psycho. so not only does my husband want to leave my ass, but perfect strangers hate me too.

• my friends probably avoid me like the plague because all i do is complain. except when i talk to andrea, then i just laugh because she's hilarious.

and i'm not pmsing, so really, there's no explanation for this other than my favorite : "i'm just sleep deprived." the only things that make me happy are food, alcohol and sleep...or new shiny things.

i wonder what i'll have to do today to make myself feel better? yesterday i booked a trip to the beach. if my mom read this blog, she'd say "a, don't plan to be a total bitch; take control of your mood and tell yourself to have a good day." w.h.a.t.e.v.e.r.

today, i think i'll treat myself to a mani/pedi and quick trip to sephora. then i'll go home and get rip roarin' drunk off a bottle of wine, read the secret, and watch mad men til i pass out. the makings of a great mood.

until then, i will cut you.

Junk Road Rage 101

you know you're day's gonna be awesome when you get into an altercation with a school bus driver at 7:30 am.

back story ::

i live in suburbia hell. literally. not only is it a suburb, but it's a trafficy one. efficiency is not on the top of my town's priority list. nothing beats keeping the historic integrity of the town square in place - yet the mother effing town square is kind of a major junction in town (note: i like history and historic places, but i'll bulldoze the hell over anything that makes no sense). most people have to go through it to get to their destination. whatever - i'm getting off the point. i blame my decrease in patience and increase in road rage incidents on the fact that i now live where stupidity and inefficiency came to die. TO. DIE. During the summer months, it's tolerable, but during the school year, repeatedly banging my head on my steering wheel provides more pleasure than dealing with trying to navigate to work.

uh...you might want to make that a zero.

back to now ::

so, this morning, i'm late. true to form. my alarm goes off at 6, and fall out of bed at 6:20. it's just now it is. i'm a sleepy person. i was a little late going through town, and strangely for july, traffic was a bit terrible. i looked up a few cars and noticed that i'm behind a school bus. ding ding ding!!! what the eff is a school bus doing blocking traffic during the summer? oh, that's right - summer school. after a few minutes of total bullshit, the road finally opens up and i take my chance to go around the bus. just as i'm approaching, he's stopping, and i think, "speed up so you can pass before he starts flashing the lights" (i never know if you're supposed to stop when the lights start flashing, or when the stop sign is completely out.) my conscience kicks in and just as i'm about to breeze by, i stop. why you ask? i don't f*cking know.

i stop, but i'm inching up because why the hell aren't these kids on the damn bus by now?

here's the thing, and this will be true when i have my own little shits - if you're late for the bus, your bad. not my bad. i'm in my car, on my way to work, and i'm not going to be late because your dumbass kid can't crawl out of bed for SUMMER SCHOOL.

so, i'm inching, and next thing i know, i see the bus driver's giant paw come flying out his window waving all crazy. first thought - "he's being trampled by the children!" second and correct thought - "he's yelling at me with his paw!"

(cursing) he does this little wave that means to 99.9% of everyone on earth "go on by" so i hit the gas...then is paw yells stop. then the stop sign half way goes in, so i go. then his paw yells stop. then i rolled down my window and screamed at the top of my lungs "what the bleepity-bleep do you want me to bleeping do, dude!?!" and he says something that i can't decipher.

finally, after traffic is backed up to the damn town square, bojangles the bus driver rakes in his stop sign and i take off.

i refuse to feel like an asshole. i was never going to run his stupid little stop sign, i was just inching up because i might have been illegally bbming.

it's summer - should we be taking this all so seriously? i know those little summer school punks sure aren't.

because work can wait, right?

making lists makes me happy. random list posts also seem to generate comments, and i need those. i'm feeling all lonely and "new girly" out here in bloggy land.

• last night i was getting all caught up with perez, and i got to an article about that trainwreck of a teenager, taylor momsen. not only do i hate her stupid character on gossip girl, but i'm pretty sure she's totally hateable in person. where in the hell are her parents? do they not see any need to step in and at least attempt to get her on the right path? where is her mother or any sort of woman influence to say that her eye makeup is absolutely terrible and she completely misunderstood the whole "smokey eye" trend? more importantly, why is a 16 year old walking around in lingerie? i just don't understand. she is the reason why i'm scared of children - they may grow up and turn into her.
  

• i'm going to say it - brace yourself - i think lady gaga's taking it a little too far. i'm kind of over all her antics. i still love her music, and i'll still rock out at her concert (if i can get tickets) but...wow. i'm over it. i know it's hot in nyc and all, but the get up she wore to the yankees game was redic. not only that, but her behavior was a little out of control. while i understand she's pushing the social norm and trying to be all ed-gy, i still see no point in going to a public place, as a public figure and flipping the bird and screaming profanities. let's have some class, lady gg. i'm not a new yorker, so maybe i'm not understanding the hard-edge bitch you must have to be, but enough's enough. you've convinced me that you're a hard ass, and you will say, wear and do anything you want. again, i'm all about the concerts and the performances and pushing the envelope with all of that, but this looney public behavior has got. to. go.

• did anyone see the lead singer of train on last night's home run derby? first of all, i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he had to be sick. he was straining like crazy to sing "hey soul sister" - i thought his head was going to explode. but seriously, in the words of the husband, he's 145 pounds soaking wet. cocaine much? anorexia? during the whole "drops of jupiter" era he was not sickly thin. he looked ridiculous last night. who knows what's going on with him, but he should really try to pull it together.

• work? what's that? i'm lacking the motivation to sell (which is 50% of my job, btw) in the worst way. today i promise to get on that.
  

• i'm reading jen lancaster's new book. anyone out there reading it too? what do you think? a few funnies, but things just haven't been right with the last two.
  

• i'm on a new diet. it's called quit eating so much, chunk. i'll let you know how it goes.

• have you guys heard soulja boi's new song, "pretty boi swag"? dis? right here? is. my. swag. it's all up in my head, and i walk around the office singing it daily.
  

• i have officially come down with tanorexia. i'll have you know the night of the wedding i blogged about earlier, i bronzed with self tanner, then bronzed with my sephora powder bronzer, then added more make up. i'm straight from jerseylicious. what the hell is my problem? seriously, if i wore more leopard print and a push up bra, i'd be a dead ringer.
  

• i purchased some laura mercier makeup on gilt, and i'm 100% obsessed, like bad. i've been using mac powder for years - like stuck in my ways, ya'll - and i might be dropping all of that for miz mercier. what is your favorite makeup? (i will probably do a follow up post on this as my makeup runs out - i'm thinking a change is a comin')

• finally, followers, i'm going to ask you to do me a favor, if you like my blog, will you link to me? i'm itching for some new followers, and could use some help! thanks!

the energy here is low

i've started three posts and finished zero, so i thought i'd jumble all my unfinished thoughts into this random post ::

• there are some distractions plaguing me right now, and i'm about to throw myself off the nearest ledge.
  
• i made some headway with a client prospect, and i'm hoping... praying something happens at our meeting in two weeks.
• there is a store closing down in my little town square, and all i can picture in it's place is the boutique i still dream about opening. oh money, where art thou? one day, friends.
  
• this whole "starting over" with the blog is much harder than i thought.
  
• i'm bloated and blame last night's decision to have mexican.
• it's 3:40, and it seems i've stopped working for the day - thank you, said distractions.
• my car came with a pretty awesome amp, and yes, i'm thinking about adding a speaker with a box to pump up the jam.
• i'm almost 29, and will be riding around town pumping up the jam. ridiculous? yes.
• today i debated walking out of my office claiming personal reasons and driving straight to the beach. i'd hit up target for necessities.
• running from shit is my first reaction - it's scary, but i've been told it's normal.
• i abandoned my therapist because she started delving into childhood. i have one hour. let's get to the pertinent stuff, please.
• why do the models at urban outfitters look like they need to be somewhere on suicide watch? slouchy, pouty, rail thin child-like creatures do not sell clothing.
• seriously craving an episode of trueblood. i feel like a 4th of july episode would have been fab!
• is lindsay lohan really going to have to spend 90 days in jail? more like 90 minutes.
• i feel bad for her and her daddy situation. he doesn't need to be talking smack - he doesn't know her anymore.
• i miss my subscription to us weekly and am seriously behind on all the award show fashion picks. i want to see some gowns!
• i did score a sweet deal on two years of glamour mag for 15 beans - that should be arriving any day now.
• i scored some laura mercier junk on gilt a few weeks ago, and it finally shipped. joy on this rotten day!
• spin will happen tomorrow. will report back knee sock's choice of undergarment.
• i just got all caught up on cupcakes and cashmere, and want to throw myself off another ledge. really? how can someone be so cute, have so many awesome pairs of designer shoes, and get to design a coach bag? (p.s. i spend too much money on wine or i need her job. also, i want that bag.)
  

obscenity!

i don't mean to start this blog on a negative, bitchy note, but....

see, i used to work out, and before that, i didn't work out. the working out lasted roughly six months before it teetered off - yet again. i've decided to quit being lazy and get my ass back into the gym, which is exactly what i did this morning. i have a thing for spin class - if there is a muscly african american man teaching it, sign me up. spin must consist of hardcore rap music and ample upper body work for me to be happy. this morning it did; although the pushups were not as cool and graceful at 6 a.m. unforch.

this morning, a woman i'd seen before in my saturday spin class was in attendance. last time, i kept zoning in on her suprisingly jiggly butt completely encasing the seat - it's clear she's an expert - she has the shoes that snap onto the bike - i'm not judging. anyway, this time, she came in with a see through white tshirt, shorts, socks pulled up to her knees and a dark blue push up bra. i get it, smaller breasted women might think it's appropriate to just wear their bra to the gym as there may not be much movement.

i, on the other hand, was not blessed with smaller boobs, so mine are strapped in with a heavy duty nike fit bra that squeezes me down to what looks like a pancaked b-cup.

we were about 30 minutes in to straight sprints. she's on the front row right in front of our awesome teacher (who i may now prefer to the other dude, but it's up in the air), so i couldn't help but notice when her boobs were flopping all over the room and in the middle of her now soaking wet tshirt is her bright blue pushup bra.

what. the. eff?

it was obscene. it's a 5:45 class. it's not like she forgot to pack her sports bra in her gym bag, and whoops! she's forced to wear her very sexy push up. she woke up, put on her push up bra and came to spin. i suppose she could have been on a walk of shame of sorts, but if you've planned enough to pack your tshirt, shorts and knee socks, you've probably got time to think of the sports bra. i'm just sayin'.