re-do

I didn't have much time to blog about anything last week.  I was too busy setting little fires around the office and causing all kinds of trouble. 

There are just some days you're off...how about I was off all last week.  And I don't mean off work, like out of the office.  On Friday, three major eff-ups revealed themselves in a two hour time frame.  This came after my "mid year" (two month) review which was glowing...uh, can we keep the review and just blame this week on the vacation my brain took without me?  Luckily, my boss was totally understanding and all affected parties like me enough at this point to laugh it off....thank you, Lord.

Needless to say, I've learned to bone up on my process.  When things seem too easy, that's because something's missing. 

I'll go into details later.  It'll make a funny blog post.  I just need to pull my tail out from between my legs...still feeling like a total idiot today. 

comatose

oh..my...gahhhhhhhhhhh.....!!!

I went out Saturday night with my fabulous girlfriends for Jamie's 30th Birthday.  Jamie's got a bun in the oven, so the non-pregnant girls decided we'd do enough drinking for ourselves...and Jamie...and maybe the bun if the bun came out an 20 year old frat boy. 

We started with dinner...and wine...then after dinner we took our ready-to-party selves to the Virginia Highlands where we proceeded to switch to liquor.  bad bad bad BAD.  I don't know?...ten drinks later?...I was blackout drunk.  I haven't gotten blackout drunk since........I can't remember.  I went through a whole phase in college where all I did was get blackout drunk.  The night would be a big giant black hole of "whatever happens happens, but I won't remember it tomorrow." 

Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was blackout drunk until the next morning when I felt like I'd been run over and then run over again by our minivan taxi cab.  It was just like a scene from The Hangover when Morgan pulled out her camera to a photo of me lying in the fetal position in the front yard of Chrissy's boyfriend's house...followed by one of me crawling toward the camera...all we can conclude is that I wallered around for a while because Morgan had enough wits about her to pull out her camera and snap photos of me. 

Yesterday was pretty much terrible.  Luckily, I made it home in once piece to the husband who was so on the same page with me.  We napped for hours, then lazed around...and low and behold, I woke up this morning still hungover.

Note to self - can't do my job when I'm hungover.  Just can't.
At one point today, crying almost happened...along with vomiting...why does getting older also mean two day hangovers??  This post feels very familiar...

note to self

even if it's 8am - you've been up, begrudgingly, since 5 am - and you're confronted with a case study given by high up guy who has served on several boards within ginorm new company, read it.  read it even if you're falling asleep on your laptop.  don't skim it.  don't half read it.  READ. IT. THOROUGHLY.  because that's the moment he's going to call on you and ask you to summarize the main points of the study and elaborate.

this answer is not acceptable:  "uhhhhh....ummmm....."  long delay, then a bunch of bullshit.
you also shouldn't say "that's not in my job description" but that's a given and didn't happen - Thank God.

big board of directors guy just looked at me and said "ehh...need a little more than that."
me : blank stare....
(this is after two large cups of coffee, no less)

efffff....really not looking forward to the day i run into him in the hallway.

at least my position isn't really relevant to the case study - that would be embarrassing.  truthfully, all of orientation was really nothing to do with my role, and my real learning begins tomorrow when i finally get to my desk.

no worries, still drinking the kool-aid.

(sorry - most of these posts are about my new job considering it's all consuming at the moment.  when i get home from work, i still have mandatory obligations to fulfill, like online courses and an endless amount of scary and confusing forms).

women are normal...and men are definitely from mars...if not there, somewhere equally non-normal

i told myself long before i started kindredly that i wasn't going to write too much about my personal relationships...i think i was pretty good at sticking to it, but there are days like today when i just can't hold in.

this weekend was supposed to be relaxing.  i start my new job on monday (yay!) and other than last night's GNO (crazy - save for another post), my plans were to totally veg.  catch up on my sleep, clean the house, do a little shopping, etc.

the husband called me yesterday when i was in the car with my friend amanda.  one of his chemical reps from work offered him two tickets to the UGA/Auburn game for today.  he asked me if i'd like to go (such a dear), but knowing all the napping that still needed to be done, i declined.  he called several friends, but apparently, none of them are the fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants type because they all declined.  after exhausting several efforts, the husband tells me that he's just going to go to the game by himself....

what?

i feel like i need to say that i get the loner types - i am one.  i don't shy away from a lunch alone with a magazine or book...or a solo movie date...i'm down, but the husband will go camping alone...and now he'll apparently drive to auburn to go to a football game alone.  um...weird.

of course, i'm feeling kind of rejected - like, why are you going to waste your entire day doing all of that ALONE when you can keep your original plans with me to relax, work a little in the yard and go out for a mexican dinner date after the game is over?  (I will even be your DD!)

when i politely suggested he let his rep pass the tickets to two people who WANT to go TOGETHER, he got bitchy, so then i got bitchy...and now, we're bitchy.  when i thought he'd score himself a friend to take, i rescheduled lunch plans with my mom for today instead of sunday, so i offered to move them back to sunday if he decided to stay in town (you know, thinking that maybe he'd like to take some of the pressure off and actually relax with his wife).


this is what he says to me::

husband :  nah, you keep your plans with your mom

me : well, she's more than willing to reschedule for tomorrow, it's no big deal

husband :  well, when i get back from picking up the tickets, i'm going to come sit on the couch, and if i get a wild hair and decide i'd rather be in auburn, then i'm going to go...

me :  well, just go, damnit!

husband : no!  not after this conversation, i'm not going...

me : but you just said that you might get a wild hair and go...sounds to me like maybe you should just go ahead and go...OR are you just trying to get rid of me because while you watch the game you're going to be pissed you're not there?

husband :  yeah, i'll probably be pretty pissed off....

me : great.

the argument continued in circles for about 80% of my car ride back to the burbs from GNO...nothing getting accomplished except a bunch of smart ass remarks exchanged.  but SERIOUSLY - it's a f*cking lose/lose situation here...anyone else noticed this?

i. am. in. bizarro. world.  for serious, people.  what is happening here?

so, guess what's happening right now - right this second?  i'm sitting here, in my bedroom, surrounded by laundry to be folded, pissed. off., and now planning to have lunch with my mom.  when i complain about these things to her, she tends to help calm me down while at the same time rawling me up...it's crazy.  hopefully after lunch and a little retail therapy, i will go back to loving my husband again.  right now, in all truthfulness, i kind of want to hit him. 

i really don't appreciate being confronted with a lose/lose situation by the man who's supposed to love me like nobody's business.  i mean, way to set me up and make me realllllly angry in the process.

MEN.  i swear.  can't live with them; can't live without them.

somebody call PETA

sorry - i have nothing to blog about.  life is moving at warp speed right now, and every time i sit to write, i'm interrupted and lose my train of thought.

you guys can proof the letter i'm finally sending to the vent column in my local newspaper...

dear henry county,

i want to thank the local law enforcement for the complete display this morning while attending to a three car fender bender on the only road leading to the interstate.  trust i'm battling my inside "warm & fuzzies" knowing you would bring out the big guns for my stupidity in the form of three police cars, the biggest fire truck ever, an ambulance and giant orange cone castle.  however, today was the day that i was smart and didn't get into a fender bender.   nonetheless, i had to wait in the line of geriatrics and rubber neckers to make it by the display of lights from what had to be 1/3 of your on-duty staff of officers!  my question today is this, do you think you could spare one of your policemen to give me a blue light escort through the god-forsaken traffic that comes here to die?  i swear on everything that is holy, this traffic is going to make me kick a kitten.

for the love of god, build a bypass.

best,

ltj


p.s. this exact letter isn't going - but it sure feels good to let it out...

dear charter, i hate your face.

i'm not one who gets all in a tizzy about things like cable.

i'm the high maintenance viewer who has to have dvr - because i refuse to be on anyone else's time.

also, i'm the high maintenance viewer who has to have hbo for fabulous shows like trueblood and big love. because sometimes they are the only shows worth watching.

but here's the deal. i hate charter communications because they nickle and dime you to death. i'm pretty sure i'm paying a router lease fee for MY ROUTER. the one i purchased at best buy.

back before we purchased our house, i was deep into my love affair with comcast. i know some people hate comcast, but let me tell you, our dvr box worked, our internet was always up, and the cable guy was this big burly man who liked to talk about shopping (at first i thought it was likely the husband would come home to find me dead, but we ended up gabbing for a really long time as he was setting up my wireless. further proof you should never judge a book by it's cover).

when we moved to the country two years ago, i was extremely upset to discover that charter had a monopoly on our area. it was charter or direct tv, and direct tv is confusing. so, i begrudgingly signed up for stupid charter, and i've hated them since. i try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but my cable/internet bill is effing $173/month, and they routinely call me to promote their "savings plan" of adding a phone line for $180/month. there's a serious lack of attention to detail with their sales people. i know it's only $7, but i'm sure there is some monthly charge for having my own phone attached to the wall. our cable doesn't go out, but our dvr box never works. the whole deal will lock up in the middle of riveting television and we're shit out of luck. when we call charter to handle the situation, they respond by saying "just bring your box to our office, and we'll give you another one." no thanks, charter. i'm not driving to bumblef*ck for you to give me another refurbished, busted up box. our internet goes down - everyday. so instead of listening to the husband bitch and moan, i called charter.

convo went like this::

me :: hi, my intenet is down, and really, it's down every single day.

CC :: oh, i'm so sorry, let me look at your account.

me :: .....

CC :: i'm not showing any outages in your area, so let me try to repair the problem.

me :: i've already reset the router.

CC :: good, now turn off your computer.

me :: ok.

CC :: now, i'm going to send a technician out to diagnose the problem. of course, if it's on your end, we'll have to charge you - unless you sign up for the charter plan called another bullshit way to take your money.

me :: um....no.

CC :: ok, ma'am. have you restarted your computer?

me :: yes. well, lookie here - it works.

CC :: did you still want me to send technician to your home to diagnose the problem? again, if it's on your end, we will have to charge you, unless you sign up for the bullshit way to take your money plan, in which case, it would be covered.

me :: how much is the bullshit way to take my money plan?

CC :: it's an extra $5/month.

me :: no.

ok...five dollars a month isn't a big deal, but it's the principle. now that i know they are charging me a lease fee for my own router, all of the problems should be on their end. i'm not letting some douchebag cable dude come out to my house to tell me some jibberish about wires and lines that my house has somehow eaten; therefore, making my internet woes my problem and making me responsible for a $100 fee for looking at a cord.

@chartergeorge on twitter keeps hitting me up to call and have them fix my problem. um....no thank you. now that i know that rebooting my computer will do the trick, i'll just stick with that until comcast rides in on it's white horse and saves me.

on notice...

a good day to rant

i can't focus today. instead of knocking out all of the emails in my inbox, i'm perusing perez hilton and coco perez catching up on all the celebrity dirt.

celebrities are ridiculous.

i buy into their shenanigans just like the rest of the country, but i wish i didn't. most of them are stupid people who don't deserve the attention, and the rest of them are clawing at the walls trying to maintain a somewhat normal life - quite unsuccessfully.

reading perez catapults me into full-on rant writing.

• for starters, lady gaga

wtf?

what is wrong with her? this is just...disgusting. first of all, she's apparently relaxing a little after the monster ball. she's still teeny, but she's not dressing her fuller-teeniness in the most flattering way. ripped up fishnets and fishnet cropped shirts are not attractive...on anyone. and that is poor placement of hair extensions...or i guess a poor camouflage job. i'll be the first to tell you that i squealed and jumped up and down at the opportunity to see her on tour last december, but she's taken quite a fall from fabulous in my eyes. pull it together, girl.

• the whole kim kardashian/justin bieber friendship....is ridiculous (and maybe kind of creepy).

i love kim k. i really do. she's so pretty and seems nice enough, but the pairing up with justin bieber? i just don't get it. the get up was for elle magazine, and the article will be called the graduate. is he even one of those yet? doubt it.

• this isn't about celebrities, but it hit close to home...seriously - this is gross...

cockroach pendants. this could be the pony roach that once called my bathroom home. the idea of this makes me want to vomit for days.

while some of you may look at this and love it, i just don't. cockroaches are among the scariest creatures on earth. the girl in the photos can be found at this cute blog that you should definitely check out despite her slightly yucky love for bugs (somebody's gotta do it).

• fantasia's situation is the perfect example of "you can't fix stupid."

making a sex tape is never a good idea. for one, i'm pretty sure it's all very unsexy unless choreographed, and furthermore, when you're a celeb, it's gonna get out. period. when the guy says "hey baby, let's get this on tape" and you're fantasia, you say "nah babe - you married and i'm famous." she was never pegged as the smart one, so i guess all we can say is that we hope she can pull through her aspirin coma and move on. another lesson learned.

stay tuned!

why did my asshole blog post the makeup post? dammit, that was for tomorrow.

Junk Road Rage 101

you know you're day's gonna be awesome when you get into an altercation with a school bus driver at 7:30 am.

back story ::

i live in suburbia hell. literally. not only is it a suburb, but it's a trafficy one. efficiency is not on the top of my town's priority list. nothing beats keeping the historic integrity of the town square in place - yet the mother effing town square is kind of a major junction in town (note: i like history and historic places, but i'll bulldoze the hell over anything that makes no sense). most people have to go through it to get to their destination. whatever - i'm getting off the point. i blame my decrease in patience and increase in road rage incidents on the fact that i now live where stupidity and inefficiency came to die. TO. DIE. During the summer months, it's tolerable, but during the school year, repeatedly banging my head on my steering wheel provides more pleasure than dealing with trying to navigate to work.

uh...you might want to make that a zero.

back to now ::

so, this morning, i'm late. true to form. my alarm goes off at 6, and fall out of bed at 6:20. it's just now it is. i'm a sleepy person. i was a little late going through town, and strangely for july, traffic was a bit terrible. i looked up a few cars and noticed that i'm behind a school bus. ding ding ding!!! what the eff is a school bus doing blocking traffic during the summer? oh, that's right - summer school. after a few minutes of total bullshit, the road finally opens up and i take my chance to go around the bus. just as i'm approaching, he's stopping, and i think, "speed up so you can pass before he starts flashing the lights" (i never know if you're supposed to stop when the lights start flashing, or when the stop sign is completely out.) my conscience kicks in and just as i'm about to breeze by, i stop. why you ask? i don't f*cking know.

i stop, but i'm inching up because why the hell aren't these kids on the damn bus by now?

here's the thing, and this will be true when i have my own little shits - if you're late for the bus, your bad. not my bad. i'm in my car, on my way to work, and i'm not going to be late because your dumbass kid can't crawl out of bed for SUMMER SCHOOL.

so, i'm inching, and next thing i know, i see the bus driver's giant paw come flying out his window waving all crazy. first thought - "he's being trampled by the children!" second and correct thought - "he's yelling at me with his paw!"

(cursing) he does this little wave that means to 99.9% of everyone on earth "go on by" so i hit the gas...then is paw yells stop. then the stop sign half way goes in, so i go. then his paw yells stop. then i rolled down my window and screamed at the top of my lungs "what the bleepity-bleep do you want me to bleeping do, dude!?!" and he says something that i can't decipher.

finally, after traffic is backed up to the damn town square, bojangles the bus driver rakes in his stop sign and i take off.

i refuse to feel like an asshole. i was never going to run his stupid little stop sign, i was just inching up because i might have been illegally bbming.

it's summer - should we be taking this all so seriously? i know those little summer school punks sure aren't.